Time Pimp is Here!

Posted: October 7, 2013 in Uncategorized

Now available on Amazon.com,   Time Pimp is my latest novel, published by Eraserhead Press.

With nods to Doctor Who,  Phillip K Dick, Michael Moorcock, Wilhelm Reich and all manner of other influences, this book tells the story of Time Pimp. Time Pimp is a member of an ancient alien race of pimps, controlling reality and history by helping people, atoms and aliens get it on. With his purple cadillac Time Pimp can reach any time or place and has used it to keep history happy alongside his leather nun companion, Sister Cecilia.

But there are those who do not see eye to eye. For every pimp, there is a hater, a shadow. And Time Pimp’s Hater is Death Pimp. Grand  Etharch of the Morality Front, Death Pimp seeks to stop his brother and to repress joy, love and light wherever he sees it. Time Pimp also finds himself at odds with a duplicitous prostitute, hostile aliens, a shadowy grilled cheese consortium and a steampunk panda who can’t seem to get anything right. 

Guest starring Sherlock Holmes, Sylvia  Plath, Dante Alighieri, Mahatma Gandhi and other historical players, Time Pimp is a surprisingly deep, dark and satirical look at love, sexuality, obligation and history. 


Oh, and there’s also hottub orgies.Image


Get it at Amazon!

A shiny monocle. A pith helmet. A corncob pipe. The best fake mustache that you have ever seen, friend.

And I bet you never noticed that he was a Saint Bernard. Any other Saint Bernard we’d dressed like so, you would have said  “oh, that’s cute”. But we’d bred a line of them to look the part or looked what we thought the part looked like- it had been awhile- and they were good enough.

Again, you wrong us, motherfucking Fifth Estate.

“The Patriarch is a dog! There was never a Patriarch!”

It sounded so good, your abortions, your hugs, your naked dancing in the rain.

But we can’t live in a void. Who will we be?

Ralph Grevin was a joke. He was a just a man. What the hell does being a man have to do with Patriarchy?

Nothing, that’s what.

Ralph Grevin collected Pokemon cards. His favorite food was syrup. He did not know the thread count of his sheets. Ralph Grevin had a Salad Shooter he never used. He felt the name was violent.

So when we blackjacked him, raped him some, tossed him into a canoe in an Olympic sized pool, he wasn’t quite ready.

He thought the pool was the world. He thought the granola  bars on the canoe would have to last a lifetime. He didn’t even think what we’d left him the gun for.

Six days later, we picked him in a chopper. Flew him to HQ. Anointed him with oils and alien blessings.

It might have been what to do. See, we had never done this before.

We gave him some porn and some Scotch. Took him to a stripclub.  Wrestled him naked as a choir of monks chanted solemnly “NO HOMO!”

Then we told him he was Patriarch. There was a better party. Dude, you should have been there.

Then suddenly “Why don’t we just…”

We’d never gotten “why don’t we just…”

He said it all the time.

And we tried it.

It worked.

Which made him the shittiest Patriarch of all time.

Three weeks in, he made a suit of armor. He called himself Professor Malevolence. The Patriarch does what he wants.

With superscience at his disposal, he crafted universal freedoms. He let the women choose a matriarch.

I spent six days in the hospital. Superscience fixed my head and got the bullet out.

He showed us how to shrink ourselves and colonize our own insides. So we know that everything is running smoothly.

I take vacations in myself sometimes. If only for the sake of  nostalgia.

I remember the night when for reasons unknown, he unspooled his DNA. Unhelixed, undone we found him.

He left a note which said “stay cool”.

So thanks again, Fifth Estate.

We all remember what the next guy did.

The first book of mine ever published was Murderland part 1:h8.  I  had sent Murderland 1-3 as one book to Evil Nerd Empire, the sadly now defunct publisher of the first two volumes as one book. The publisher decided it would be better as three separate volumes. The first one was well received, the second came out to not quite enough fanfare and had a less than stellar price point, one that honestly made me not blame people for not wanting to buy it. I hoped that this embattled publisher would be able to put out part 3, but alas, it was not to be.

A few months ago, I was informed that I had the rights to the Murderland trilogy back. Spurred on by some very encouraging and loving feedback from readers of volume one, I decided that now was the time to give people the whole first story arc in the Murderland series and to make these books swanky and cool and uncompromised. I talked to Steven Scott Nelson,  also known as Steven Rage, a former Evil Nerd Empire author who was starting a new publisher called MorbidBooks. I thought it would be good to keep this in the family. I was right.  He was quick, he was polite, he was patient and he would not see my vision compromised.

I also spoke to ace book designer and author and Legumeman publisher Matthew Revert, who generously offered me a totally sweet cover. And with that, a book I started eight years ago is finally unabridged and available to you in paperback and  Kindle formats at a fantastic cover price with a great foreword by Jess Gulbranson. Proud to present to you, the gorgeous Murderland trilogy paperback featuring h8, Life During Wartime and the never before seen Godless.

This is a story about terrorism, about love, about sanity, about war. It is the story of an America where serial killers are not just accepted but embraced as cult celebrities. Where young people dress as their favorite serial killers and go out and start shit. Where pharmacist  Jeremy Jenkins, the most prolific serial killer in history struggles with apocalyptic visions, with the decay of the world around him and with the possibility that he might just be the hero this country needs. It is not a book with easy answers. It is not torture porn. It is surreal and experimental language and structure, comicbook physics and Lovecraftian undertones.

But let’s not take my word for it:

“Perhaps he’s right. Perhaps that meat cleaver is our best hope for salvation. Or maybe he belongs in an asylum. MURDERLAND is a brutally shocking book. Demented. Logical. Disturbing. It can be crudely powerful one moment, tenderly skillful the next, so the reader never knows what’s coming. There’s no way to prepare. No way to protect yourself. Garrett Cook’s work has an edge … and it’s at your throat. “
~ Robert Dunbar, author of THE SHORE and MARTYRS & MONSTERS

“The offbeat brilliance of this book will freak your face off!”-
Gina Ranalli, author of MOTHERPUNCHER and SKY TONGUES

“A savage, very original satire that openly mocks the American demigod-like worship of worthless celebrity with a future where despicable murderers become our new focus of adoration. It’s as farcical as Swift’s “A Modest Proposal,” yet no less poignant.”-

“This book is so beyond good and evil … it’s beyond positive and negative reviews, beyond star-counting, beyond being liked or disliked. It describes a future in which serial killing, as a practice, has been rehabilitated through media exploitation and liberal sensitivity until it’s finally legalized as a sport, with its own scorekeeping commentators and an infatuated subculture of filking fanboys. And then against that dire background, Garret Cook tells a love story — a love triangle, actually, between a sweet young fangirl, her caring boyfriend, and the voices in his head telling him to kill.

If you have the serial-killer infatuation, then you’ve got to read this book. Cook’s portrayal of Reap culture disturbs because it’s so utterly how the world could be, if serial killer infatuation was just ten or fifteen percent broader than it is already.

I’m impressed by the ambition of this book. It’s an interesting new step for the psychonovel; the first-person madman as a mixture of identities and warring tendencies barely aware of each other is a spot-on model of a certain kind of human mind. The best parts, worthy of Jim Thompson, are those subtle moments where we see the warring personalities complaining about one another, manipulating one another, sneaking past each other like grumpy housemates in dark hallways.”-
Mykle Hansen author of Help! A Bear is Eating Me

“It is one thing to create a world. It is another thing to make it real. Cook’s impressive and highly ambitious novel does this admirably.”
 –Sean Keller, screenwriter Dario Argento’s Giallo
And here is Matthew Revert’s gorgeous cover
Murderland cover

Some Good Summer News

Posted: July 13, 2013 in Uncategorized

So, my last post let you all know that I am right now direly in need of more editing work and am once again making a push for my poetry collection Pserpent Psalms, which you can buy for just 1.08. I do need those things. If you have a story or book to edit, I need a few more to make rent on my new place in August and start being a happier person. But this does not need mean my  Summer is shitty and I have no future. Far from it. This is  part of why the fact that I am 400 bucks from my dream hurts me so badly.  It looks like this  Summer you’ll start seeing more of me. 

For one thing, after a seven year journey, my book, Murderland, the first three parts of the Murderland saga, complete, unabridged and in fact enhanced, is now in the hands of Steven Scott Nelson of Morbidbooks and it’s coming in August. If you have wondered what is going to happen to Jeremy Jenkins or you considered buying the books but didn’t, you should check it out next month. It’s going to be huge. Check out Matthew Revert’s kickass cover.




Next up is more publication news. You guys don’t get to see  me in many anthos. I don’t feel like submitting to most of them and when I do, I’m usually a bit off target. But this time, Cody Goodfellow invited me to a Clark Ashton Smith tribute antho and that sounded awesome. So I gave him a story, a departure from my typical work, but something heartfelt and genuine. He liked it and I’m proud of it. The antho is called Deepest, Darkest Eden and features John Shirley, Stoker winner Lisa Morton, Nick Mamatas and more. .And also myself. So, check  it out. I will also be appearing in In Heaven, Everything is Fine: Stories Inspired by the Films of David Lynch edited by Cameron Pierce. Wait til you hear the names involved in  this one and read the stories. You will be blown away.

And lastly, but certainly not least, I have accepted a position at Perpetual Motion Machine Publishing as an Associate Editor. PMMP is an organization of hip up and comers with a diverse aesthetic and a very familial atmosphere. These people are awesome and you want to buy their books or submit books to them for me to edit. I am still more than available for freelancing and in fact could use two or three more novels to completely fill the July docket. 

So, in short, things are looking up for all of us. Particularly those of you who hire me for some dirt cheap editing or buy these awesome upcoming books. Have a great Summer and thanks to all of you who are helping me wake up from this nightmare.


Lawyers, Guns and Money

Posted: July 11, 2013 in Uncategorized

Hey, all. I don’t post things of a personal bent very often. Usually, I save this for my Facebook statuses, but desperation has descended upon me like a zealous Robert Mitchum upon a childbarge. I am between homes. I am between lives. Murderland is coming back, a new book from Eraserhead arrives in October and I am fighting like a tiger to move into the home of my dreams.

I’m here to tell you all that I need work. Badly. I am a few hundred dollars from making a dream happen, from finding comfort and from finding joy. I need a few books to edit, I might be able to write you a piece of flash fiction for five  bucks or a poem, I might be able to sell you the Pserpent Psalms. But I am working for the miracle to come right now. If you dig what I do and want to help me keep doing it or do it better, I could use some help.

I can edit most short stories for twenty bucks.  The Pserpent Psalms is on sale here http://thegarrettcook.blogspot.com/2012/05/pserpent-psalms.html and any boost for my editing is helpful. I want to make your lives better,  but I’ve gotta start living and if you can help with that, then you are a friend of mine. Thanks!

There are still slots available in April’s Online Bizarro Writing Workshop with special guest J.David Osborne. While the price has gone up from February’s 40 dollar rate to 50 dollars, you can still register and it is still a good deal for a full month of instruction in Bizarro fiction. Signing up is the easy part. Just Paypal 50 dollars to thecentercannothold@gmail.com and add as a note to your payment whether you prefer me or Mister Osborne as your primary instructor. And from there, you’re ready as you can be to learn the Bizarro arts. Space is limited and only open until March 30th. See you in April!

I will not bore you with the virtues of my Online Bizarro Writing Workshops. People come. People learn. Some of them see print soon. Some of them retain contact with me and I keep my eyes and ears out for opportunities in the genre. It’s a good thing. Cheap too. I will not bore you with the praise earned by the work of my coteacher J. David Osborne author of Wonderland Award Winner By the Time We Leave Here We’ll be Friends and upcoming probable future Wonderland Award Winner Low Down Death Right Easy. He’s got talent. He’s got swagger, his group was impressed by his work, I was impressed by his work so I invited him back. So here’s the deal: four weeks of Bizarro instruction by myself and J. David Osborne. 40 dollars if you sign up in February, 50 if you sign up in March to encourage people to sign up early and reward those who do. You’ll learn about weird characters, weird places and how to better tune your mind into the weird. You’ll get critiques from two published Bizarro authors, one of whom is also an editor. You’ll make friends and see what your peers are up to. You’ll get motivated and the end of it all, there’s a motivational 10,000 word weekend where your join your instructors as they write…well, it doesn’t take a fucking rocket scientist. Want in? Want info? Email thecentercannothold@gmail.com. 


1. Favorite soup.

I like black lentil soup.

2.How does it feel to be one of the beautiful people?

Given the beautiful people I know, it’s great. They do seem nervous that their star will fade, and it always does.
3. Who are you and what do you do?

I am a writer of science fiction, fantasy, and horror, but I am retiring to do crime fiction and “innovative” fiction.


4.How did your collaboration with Don Webb come about?

Don read my novel MOVE UNDER GROUND, which is a Lovecraft/Kerouac pastiche, and contacted me with the idea to collaborate on a novel. As he was a stranger to me (though I loved his work) I suggested a short story instead, one we could aim for the ultimately stillborn anthology CTHULU 2012 that Mythos Books was planning. After that anthology fell to dust, we shopped it around for a bit and ultimately sent it to you.
5.What are your feelings about being part of Imperial Youth Review Issue 1? What are your favorite pieces from Issue 1?

I love IYR; it is the sort of zine I used to crave in the early 1990s, when writing was a daydream. I liked the essay and the comic the best.

6.What are you up to right now? What’s the next project?

I have two novels coming out this year-my “Barfly” zombie novel THE LAST WEEKEND and my noir (with a hint of the supernatural) LOVE IS THE LAW.

7. HP Lovecraft and Jules Verne are in a Tai Chi tournament. Who wins and why?

Jules Verne, as he spent his youth navigating rivers. Standing in a rocking boat is good for one’s root.



Vice President O’ Hara ran into the Oval Office waving his arms frantically. 

“Faith and Begorrah, Mr. President, the orphanage has succumbed to the sin of Pride!”

The president was concerned. He had often take a great deal of Pride in his best friend Dieselpig, even though he did not know his secret identity.  This hit very close to home.

“Yes,  Stewart, this is an emergency of the highest order. Pride is one of the most nefarious of  The Seven Deadly Sins.  If we want to win our war with Hell, this cannot stand. GET ME DIESELPIG!”

The above was not an excerpt from my next book The Wake at the House of Dead Cats. But the book does deal with Dieselpig and America’s war with Hell. It also deals with silent cinema, burlesque and the secret origin of news. I’m very excited about this book, which should be coming your way first quarter of 2013.  Dress your favorite lion for the occasion. Once again edited by the fantastic Jeff Burk and once again put out by Eraserhead Press, this book is the sort of book I want to be writing.

And speaking of writing the books you want to be writing, NBAS author Shane Cartledge wrote his book House Hunter during the final challenge of my Online Bizarro Writing Workshop. So, he wants you to get a chance a leg up on becoming a Bizarro author yourself. He has generously purchased a spot in my workshop and is raffling it off to anyone who purchases his book House Hunter. It’s a weirdass piece of Urban Fantasy Bizarro that must be read to be believed. I think you’ll like it. Find more details on Shane’s blog. Spaces in the workshop are still available through me, but Shane’s offer is great and his book is super cool. So buy it and you might win a slot in the workshop.

And speaking again of writing the books you want to be writing, my NaNoWriMo editing deal expires tomorrow. Your chance to have your 50,000 word book edited for only 115 dollars expires with it. It’s not like my rates are usually super high, this is just a good bargain. And, Kate Jonez of Omnium Gatherum Books has agreed to look over any genre novel I edit for potential publication. So, hiring me gets you the eyes of not just one but two editors,one of which has the power to make your book a reality. This is very generous of Kate and if you want the opportunity, you should take advantage of it. I hope these subjects of great import have been important to you.

The Next Big Thing

Posted: November 29, 2012 in Uncategorized

The Next Big Thing is a questionnaire for writers regarding their works in progress or upcoming books. Each writer answers the questions, then tags five others. I was tagged by Edward Morris who was tagged by Dave-Brendon de Burgh, who was in turn tagged by Joan De La Haye.  Participation entirely voluntary.Rules of the Next Big Thing ***Use this format for your post ***Answer the ten questions about your current WIP (work in progress) ***Tag five other writers/bloggers & add their links so we can hop over and meet them.

-What is your working title of your book?

The Wake at the House of Dead Cats. You could call it a collection, but it’s more a series of unified neuroses. It centers around a nefarious silent film. The film is preceded by pieces that function as a newsreel and a serial. It is followed by a stag reel of sorts. It’s influenced heavily by cult cinema, the occult, Robert W. Chambers, Robert E. Howard, bondage filmmaker Irving Klaw, Bette Page, a disintegrating relationship, the nightmare of our separation from God, the dysfunction of our country’s animus and the awesomeness of chainsaws and things that are dieselpowered. It will also be accompanied by artwork from the peerless Nick Gucker.

-What genre does your book fall under?

Bizarro. Neopulp. Chainsaw Noir. Cosmic horror. Accidental grimoire. Erotica. The sound of you soiling yourself.

Which actors would you choose to play your characters in a movie rendition? For the love of God, don’t film this. Think of the children. Peel off your faces and see what’s underneath. Pray that Dieselpig will save us. Julie Newmar. Tempest Storm. Brigitte Bardot. Brigitte Bardon’t. A lion. Nikki Guerlain. An adorable blonde from the first grade named Jessica Lawless who smiled at me and I never understood why. The sailors from the Desolation Row beauty parlor. Mechagodzilla. Leza Cantoral. Nyarlathotep. Mary Jane Kelly. Hecate.

-What is the one-sentence synopsis of your book? Nel mezzo del cammin de nostra vita, mi ho ritrovai in una selva oscura, che la via diritta era smarrita Bill Bailey won’t you please come hooooomme

-Will your book be self-published or represented by an agency?

My book will be published by Eraserhead Press. I am an agent of forces beyond your comprehension.

-How long did it take you to write the first draft of your manuscript?

The central novelette of the collection came over the course of two brutal months.  Very emotionally trying. If something doesn’t make you upset, you shouldn’t write it. The other pieces came together over the following year.

What other books would you compare this story to within your genre?

The King in Yellow, though I am of course not the equal of Mr. Chambers, Bradley  Sands’ My Heart Said No, But the Camera Crew Said Yes, Carlton Mellick’s The Baby Jesus Buttplug, The Dreamquest of Unknown Kadath and lots of silent cinema.  Pete Carroll’s Liber Null.

-Who or what inspired you to write this book?

I wanted to create a hypnotic feeling, a real intrusion. I like the idea of breaking down a form and making it something else. And I like the idea of exploring the emotional charge in words and images. There’s plot, there’s excitement, but there’s also experiments in form and content that I’m proud of.  I also have this tendency to lament the limits of good imposed upon something by its time. I always wonder what films Browning and Bunuel would have made in the 30s if there were no boundaries. So I made the disturbing silent film I wish I could watch. Or that I feel like nobody should ever watch.

What else about your book might pique the reader’s interest?

Dragons. Aberrant sexuality. Dieselpig. Fine fine ladies. The subtle scent of The Old Ones.  Dieselpig.

Include the link of who tagged you and this explanation for the people you have tagged. Edward Morris tagged me. Here is the link to his blog.  I tagged Kris Saknussemm, because he’s frankly one of the best. I haven’t known his work for long but the man has become one of my biggest damn heroes. Private Midnight. Read that.  If razors had beards, they would shave with Kris  Saknussemm.  Second, I picked J. David Osborne, Wonderland Award Winner and coinstructor for my Online Bizarro Writing Workshop. Third, I selected Jeff  Burk. Jeff Burk is my editor on Wake at the House of Dead Cats and a a man who redefines all aspects of the publishing game from writing to editing just by playing it. Then, I tagged Chris Kelso. Chris is a fellow editor of Imperial Youth Review, a magazine of rebellion and transgression from Dog Horn Publishing in the UK. He is also a gutsy and antisocial prodigy.  Lastly, but certainly not leastly, I tagged Spike  Marlowe. Spike’s book Placenta of Love warmed my heart and she’s a great lady. A true priestess.  Be sure to line up your five people in advance.