Free Short Fiction: The Torments and Indignities Suffered by Job During His Tenure at the Hello Kitty Factory

Posted: July 14, 2011 in Uncategorized

Author’s Note: I wrote this story about a year before the Japan tragedy. It is no way meant to make light of what happened in Japan. If anything, it points out the absurdity of  God punishing anyone for being different and how ludicrous it is to think we would know exactly what a divine being is thinking and feeling. Though what happened to Japan might not still be fresh in your minds, I highly recommend you purchase the Brent Millis edited anthology Kizuna when it comes out, as the profits will benefit Japanese orphans. It’s coming soon, so keep your eyes on THIS SITE.

 

The Torments and Indignities Suffered by Job During His Tenure at the Hello Kitty Factory

 

One day to prove that he was stronger than Satan, God sent Job to work at the Hello Kitty factory and see how long his faith endured. Satan had suggested it and to God it didn’t sound that difficult. God did not know that Job did not speak a word of Japanese and was terrified of kitties. When Job went from tending to his crops to watching handbags with kitties on them roll down an assembly line, he was pretty frightened. People were shouting gibberish at him, kitty faces were everywhere, it was almost unbearable. But Job remembered his faith in God and prayed to God for guidance. God called Satan and asked politely if he could explain the situation to Job.

 

“Alright,” said Satan, “but you have to explain in Japanese.”

God found this quite reasonable and was surprised Satan was

such a good sport about this.

“Thank you. I don’t see why people think you’re such a bad guy.”

“You’re not so bad, yourself.”

“Why thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

So, God explained the situation to Job thoroughly, that he was in Japan for a test, that he was still being watched, that his faith would get him through this and to remain calm at all times and to make sure to bow deeply to Hello Kitty if she came to the factory, since she punished those that did not in unspeakable ways. Job, not understanding a single word that God had said was not soothed by this revelation but decided God still had to know what was going on, even if he was testing him by filling his head with weird space talk.

 

Job came into work the next day and Hello Kitty was having a

surprise inspection, which was no good for anybody. Especially those that did not think to bow. Everybody bowed but Job. Job had been told by God to bow and those around him were bowing, but he had not been able to interpret God’s message and he was paralyzed with trepidation by the sight of the hydrocephalitic cat dominatrix. Hello Kitty’s head and body are at exactly the same proportions at which they are

depicted on the merchandise. The merchandise does not, however, depict Hello Kitty in the obscenely tight pink PVC bodysuit she wears at all occasions nor does it depict Hello Kitty at her proper height of six feet eleven inches tall. So it’s hard to blame Job for such things since any of us might not be so quick on our feet when confronted by a Julie Strain lookalike with a giant cathead. He heard a harsh voice in his head, screaming in Japanese, and knew this time that it was not God. It was of course Hello Kitty, who had no mouth.

 

“So,” she hissed in Job’s mind “you have chosen to defy Hello

Kitty. You have testicles of iron, Job, that is for certain. But iron

gives way under the hammer of a skillful blacksmith. I will forge you into

something glorious!”

“Please! I don’t speak Japanese!” Job sobbed.

Hello Kitty slapped him. It left a large, red mark on his face.

“You come before me as a warrior and then cry like a child! Hello Kitty does not suffer weaklings!”

“I don’t understand! You’re telepathic and you don’t know that I can’t speak Japanese? Why?”

Hello Kitty did not answer. She did, however tear Job’s shirt off, light a cigarette and burn his right nipple.

“Aargh! Please, stop!”

Hello Kitty grew angrier as he said this.

“Accursed gaijin!” she screamed into his mind, “speak Japanese!”

“What? I can’t understand what you’re saying!” Job screamed.

God decided to intervene and help Job out. He spoke into Job’s mind:

“Job, Hello Kitty will let you be if you say her safeword. Her safeword is “flamberge”. Say it and she shall free ye from her torments.”

“What?” Job cried out to God, “can you please say that in English, God?”

Having read Job’s mind, Hello Kitty had heard the voice of God. Being devoutly Christian, she was shocked to hear that Job didn’t even thank God for this bit of information.

“Bastard! You hear the words of God and you do not listen! You know my safeword, but you do not say it! And yet when I hurt you, you scream like a woman!”

Hello Kitty decided that she would put the fear of God into Job.She attached the blasphemer’s testicles to a car battery.

“Repent!” she yelled, sending sparks of God’s fury into poor Job’s nuts. Job did not repent, though of course he would have if he had known that the option was there. Job’s testicles were smoking and his body almost broken by the end of Hello Kitty’s electrocution session. Though he may have been a blasphemer and a screaming baby, Hello Kitty could not help but respect his durability. Thus, Hello Kittydecided to take him on as her pet.

Job did not understand why suddenly, Hello Kitty was feeding him candy and brushing his hair gently. It was off-putting but not so off-putting as having his testicles electrocuted. He was so relieved in fact, that he did not mind when Hello Kitty began riding around on his back. If he had been able to read his pay stub or cared about money, he also wouldn’t have minded that this demeaning but somewhat less scary position also included a twenty five percent raise. The sudden influx of mercy reminded Job that God was out there and loved him very much.

Satan looked down upon the situation and was pleased with himself. Job had managed to endure the first test, but he had suffered a great deal for no good reason. He decided he would up the stakes.

“He’s done well,” said Satan to God, “but Job’s faith can’t be unconditional. Surely Job couldn’t keep the faith while being penetrated by hentai monsters.”

“He could,” God replied, “but that sounds awfully cruel.”

“C’mon!”

That was enough nudging.

“Okay,” said God, “Hentai monsters it is. But I get to tell Job how to stop them.”

“Alright,” said Satan, “as long as we agree, Japanese only.”

“Alright, but I don’t see how it makes a difference.”

Job and Hello Kitty were in Hello Kitty’s office watching the action on the floor on Hello Kitty’s many security cameras. The many nubile schoolgirls that ran the factory were running the machinery, testing the lip-gloss and tasting the lollipops to make sure they met the Hello Kitty standard of confectionery excellence. Sometimes they did not. It looked as if it was just business as usual. Until the monsters

showed up, that is.

There were seven of them. They had bodies like crocodiles walking upright, but heads like warthogs and each of them threateningly waved a multitude of flailing tentacles with penises on the end of them at the security schoolgirls, who fell to their knees begging the monsters not to rape them. The monsters laughed deep, throaty monster laughs and responded to the request to not be raped by shoving their penistentacles into the security schoolgirl’s mouths. It did not take long before they moved onto other orifices. Before Hello Kitty could decide whether to evacuate the factory, to surrender or to fight, the security schoolgirls had been savagely used and then bukkaked to death.

Job watched this and felt sick and very scared. He looked around Hello Kitty’s office in hopes of finding a secret backdoor to the factory, but mostly he found sex toys, body suits, little schoolgirl uniforms and candy. None of these things would do any good. As Job did this, the hentai monsters were filling up and dropping the schoolgirls like flies. Hello Kitty saw this on the monitors and felt deeply ashamed.

“Job,” said Hello Kitty, “we have been too decadent and God is punishing us. We must take our punishment like the brave soldiers of faith that we are.”

Whether Job would have objected to this or not was moot. The hentai monsters had broken down the door and were coming to violate Hello Kitty and Job. The monsters grabbed Hello Kitty in their tentacles, stripping off her pink bodysuit and fondling her large, furry breasts and starting to ravage her. They did so with great relish, for her lack of a mouth to rape left them rather angry.

“Listen,” said God to Job, “I am going to send a lollipop. Use it to strike the hentai monsters. It is their one weakness.”

And God manifested a lollipop on the factory floor. Job did not know what God was saying and grabbed it, assuming that licking the lollipop would grant him magic powers from God. This was not a smart assumption. It was  perhaps nearly as bad an assumption as God’s assumption that Job spoke Japanese.

“Look!” screamed one of the hentai monsters, “that man has a lollipop! We must punish him sexually!”

And they did. The monster tore off Job’s leather Hello Kitty pet thong and started to violate him anally, which of course challenged Job’s hold of the lollipop, not to mention caused him to feel all kinds of other unpleasant feelings. Feelings which the hentai creatures forced him to feel for several agonizing hours. During this time, his

faith did not waiver, although his faith in God’s ability to speak English

had grown rather anemic.

God did not stop the rape, nor did the sexually exhausted Hello Kitty or a thrashing with a magic lollipop. The hentai monsters simultaneously realized that they were not gay and would be the shame of their community if anyone discovered that they had indulged in sex with a man. Job was left alive, though dripping with blood and monster semen. At least that was something.

“Wow,” said Satan to God, “Job sure is good at enduring things

and has not renounced you yet.”

“Yeah,” said God, blushing, “he’s pretty great.”

“But, I bet he wouldn’t retain his faith in a smoking wasteland devastated by the Leviathan.”

“Well, yeah,” said God, “but I wouldn’t really mind if he didn’t cause it seems like that’s something that would make most people snap.”

“It’s less bad than Hentai monsters.”

“I suppose it is.”

“Then we should see how he responds.”

The Leviathan came out of the sea, half gorilla, half whale, all anger. It stood ten stories tall, and with a terrible sound, started to pull the city’s high tension wires down. The city was plunged into darkness, children were crushed beneath its simian feet and melted by

the superheated plankton that spewed forth from its grotesque cetacean mouth. As the abomination decimated its way across town, God sent Job a message.

“Job, in the basement of this building is a tunnel, which leads to an experimental giant mecha suit that you can put on to destroy the monster.”

Job did not like hearing from God now. It meant that something awful was about to happen. Still, he loved his creator and figured there had to be some reason for all of this. Job remained where he was, closed his eyes and prayed. God appreciated that. Satan thought it was pretty funny.

The gorillawhale eventually made its way to the Hello Kitty factory. With a single stomp of its mighty foot, it wrecked the factory. Job was left struggling for his life underneath a pile of rubble. He survived on bits of lollipop and gnawing on the arm of Hello Kitty’s corpse. God watched, impressed.

“I think I love Job most of all,” said God, “even if he did smoke a ton of pot in college.”

“Yeah,” said Satan, “it’s amazing that he remembers all that stuff from his Japanese class.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Comments
  1. mcvaughn says:

    Great story! That was way more entertaining than the last story I read with Job in it

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