Four Tips for Aspiring Detectives

Posted: June 9, 2011 in Uncategorized

This economy is tough. We’ re scrambling to find work in retail, fast food and any job we can get. Some of us will even resort to…MURDER!  Murder’s a pretty good way to make money. But there are inherent risks. Moral conflict, fear of law enforcement and the possibility of leaving your favorite hatchet in your rich aunt’s parlor are risks you just don’t want to take. So, murder isn’t for everyone. But, what if you want to exploit this new murder trend without committing (outright) murder yourself?  How about solving murders? Anybody can do it! Fops, cats, bisexual cokeheads, the police…anybody! Even a teddy bear!  As the author of longawaited Bizarro detective pulp, Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective I feel qualified to pretend I’m qualified to help you out with four tips on how to be an effective detective.

1. Get a gimmick.

Anne Francis? Solving crimes? People would pay to see that! If you’re going to provide a service be the only person like yourself providing that service. If there are ten Anne Francises in your town, and you’re Anne Francis, you might need a second gimmick. I suggest crippling yourself or teaming up with a cat. Otherwise, they could go to any old Anne Francis. This is why Jimmy Plush gets all of Nero City detective jobs. He’d tell you that nobody would go to a non teddy bear detective if they had an option to go to one that is a teddy bear. You want to be a detective, you gotta have a gimmick.

2. Arm Yourself

If you’re going to solve mysteries, you’re going to run into some rough customers. Knowing Judo or another martial art might help, but let’s face it, if things get rough you want to be strapped. Dirty Harry Callahan has his magnum. Mike Hammer has his .45. Jimmy Plush has his custom fingerless teddy bear .45. Miss Marple has thousands of ninja stars. Or at least she should.  Most detectives are really just vicious thugs who are in the right place at the right time to figure things out. Except for Sherlock Holmes, Phillip Marlowe, Hercule Poirot, Lord Peter Wimsey and other such fancypantses. We’re in a recession. You can’t afford to be an unarmed dandy who does actual detective work.

3. Fiud Partners and Contacts

Most detectives would like you to believe that they like to work completely alone with no help at all. and that this is why they are called ” Private Eyes”, not just so that Hall and Oates can use that double entendre. The term was in fact invented so that the Hall and Oates song could happen someday.  This is not true. Most of them have sex starved secretaries, obtrusive mystery novelists or scaredy cat chauffeurs to help them solve their cases. Even a great dane with a penchant for giant sandwiches is better than nothing. Don’t solve mysteries if you have no friends or contacts. Holmes has Watson. Starsky and Hutch have Huggie Bear. Even the very prickly teddy bear detective has the support of his chauffeur Chang, his foxsuited girlfriend Jean and occasional aid from cat reporter Mittens O’ Hara. Sometimes it’s not what you know, it’s who you know. Don’t be a detective if you have no acquaintances or connections. Who will tell you your deduction is brilliant? Who will get kidnapped  and iced if you don’t play ball? Nobody, that’s who.

4. Buy Jimmy Plush, Teddy Bear Detective


You can’t learn everything about being a detective from Jimmy Plush and I , but it certainly can’t hurt.


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